This is Sam, following on from Samantha’s first blog I thought I would be fully honest on my reflections of this lifestyle. My situation has really evolved.
When we started I was driven by a desire to feel full arousal and this of course would come through the excitement and anxiety of Samantha meeting, flirting with and having sex with other men. It was exciting and would provoke me to lust for her and perform for her more. At times the jealousy and anxiety I felt, particularly when Samantha was getting close to Other men physically and emotionally, was almost too hard to take, but as soon as it subsided, I wanted it again. If I am honest I actually felt guilty, like sometimes I was encouraging things so much for my own arousal, imposing my will on her but when I asked her if she was sure that she wanted to do this, she always said yes.
After some time the truth became a little hard to handle. We would be having sex and she would admit that my girth wasn’t satisfying her, she would almost prefer masterbating to interracial porn and admitted she would fantasise about other men. It was in some ways a thrill but gradually eroded my self confidence, it became a self fulfilling prophecy as I questioned my own sexual ability and that in turn meant I would instigate sex less regularly and would a poor lover as I would be preoccupied by self doubt when I performed. This, I believe would lead to a gradual change, an evolution, in our relationship.
So now, instead of arousal at the situation, there is more acceptance on my part. Cuckolding invited us to be brutally honest with each other, removing inhibitions and allowing us to get to a point where we both were truly ourselves. We are a perfectly happy couple very much in love but the sexual side to our relationship has changed totally. That was an unintended consequence so serves as a warning to some entering this lifestyle but for me, as hard as it is from time to time, I know it is right. I cannot sexually satisfy my wife as she knows now what is available out there, beyond me, and it is so much more to her liking. My wife no longer finds me sexually stimulating, she is not aroused by an effeminate man who enjoys dressing as a woman and emasculating himself by shaving, applying make up and adopting feminine mannerisms. My wife no longer has the same sexual loyalty toward me, her view of chastity went from initial enjoyment at teasing me to realising it would serve as a preoccupation for me and she preferred me in it so she could better achieve her own ends. The biggest truth is however that deep down this is what I want. I like being a sissy cuckold in chastity. I thought at the start I would, but then began to think I may not, particularly when the jealousy and angst was so intense but once that was ‘normalised’ I realised I would only get the same enjoyment from being in this position. We will be happy together but through this dynamic.